Penny's Bad Hair Day
by Tony Bobby
Summary: Penny finds the company of her friends boring and seeks a break from routine.


Sheldon Cooper and Leonard were sitting in their living room, drinking freshly squeezed apple cider, and eating banana pie that Leonard's mom baked, while discussing Isaaq Newton. Then Penny strolled into the room with a gleeful grin on her face. She held in her hands a 6 foot long chainsaw with every little blade on it replaced by a flaming machete. "It's time to pay for your sins, little boys." She whispered and cut Sheldon's membrane in half, making his long and useless arms twitch and shake like a machine that could be used on a milkshake bar.

Sheldon screamed so loud that the whole block started to waddle, and the walls turned green in disgust. Penny had no plans of letting her chainsaw remove itself from Sheldon's supple brain, and started banging his head into the pie as he wimpered for mercy in absolute vain.

"Now, that's enough Penny. You had your fun now." Leonard said.

Then Penny rammed her chainsaws into Leonard's stomach, giving him electric orgasms as his plump little legs tap-danced like only Satan could on a good day.

Then Penny removed Leonard's glasses. Then Penny removed Leonard's eyes, eating them, then chugging it down with a glass of cider that she mixed with Leonard's blood and brain mush. "I am the Queen of all that is pretty." Penny proclaimed as she tore open Leonard's chest, and pulled out his begotten organs. His spleen, his lung, his colon. Every little thing. She juggled with them for quite a bit, but got soon bored and had to drink more cider.

Suddenly, with warning, the hideous manchild Howard waltzed in and saw the mess Penny had made on the floor. Penny threw a machete at him, a machete taht was still burning, and it penetrated his throat. Howard caught on fire, then started burning, and he knew he would never get a girlfriend now, so he jumped out the window and landed on the sidewalk with a big splat. It was the most successful suicide ever committed by a Wolowitz.

"At least he died with dignity." Penny said to nothing, because both Leonard and Sheldon had lost their will to live almost 3 minutes ago.

Then Penny decided it was time to assemble a boyfriend from the best parts of both Leonard and Sheldon. It would have Sheldon's strenght, Leonard's wit and both their dicks combined into the biggest omnidildo ever assembled by a mortal.

But before Penny reached far, Raj walked in. He saw the whole crimescene, with Leonard's flesh hanging around every wall. He didn't like it.

"I am calling the cops, Penny, and not even your chainsaw can stop me this time." He yelled. Then Penny grew a magical penis out of her bellybutton, and started skullfucking Raj in the skull. What joy. He screamed, but not for long, as it took mere seconds before his cerebral functions collapsed from Penny's throbbing headcocking.

After a while, Penny got tired and pulled off Raj's big head from his body with her tummydick. She shot her penis and the head off and into the door, blowing it up in a nuclear blaze, and she knew that it was awesome.

She figured it was time to escape the police. So she built a car and drove to Belgium, where she was committed to a mental institute. There she was raped by nuns for breakfast, brunch and dinner every day for a decade. For lunch she had fishsticks with a light bernaise sause, with baked chili beans on the side, that were moderately salted but not too much, because too much salt was bad for her kidneys. She also had a seasoned Californian wine made from the freshest Syrah grapes in all of California.

Then, after way too much rape by Sister Agnes, Penny had had enough and blew up the whole hosptal with an h-bomb. Indeed. The President called, and said: "Penny, this is Obama, and I am your President now. You must disarm the Communist vessel that is headed our way before it kills the White House."

Then Obama said "Penny, I have always had faith in you. You must believe in yourself. Never take no for an answer, the best of mankind rests on your shoulders. Now go forth, and save America." and Penny smiled.

Penny was on the deck of the ship with the communists on the ocean that was headed for The White house. She knew she was running out of time, and if she didn't stop the communist ship in time, it would be too late and teh communist ship would destroy the White House for all of mankind. It was not a good thing to happen.

Then KA-BOOM! a communist heaved himself from nowhere with a giant gun in his hands. He also had an ugly smile with the yellowest teeth this side of Mexico.

"Fuck You communist!" Penny said and kicked the communist where it hurt the most. Then she took his gun and shot the gas thing that held the whole scommunist ship together and it exploded and so did the whole communist ship exploded as well.

But the threat was not over. Several more communists was headed her way so she needed a distraction. She pulled out her chainsaw with the machetes and began to tear open the pelvis of the first communist, shoving it through his waist and out his ass, as he screamed in dispair. Then, as he focused on his groin, she poked out his ugly communist eyes with a sabre, and he couldn't see so well anymore. The the communist said something in communistish, but Penny didn't speak bullshit, so she cared minimally. She was more focused on making sure all his communist organs resembled Picazzo on a bad day. The communist ship was on fire, but it was a hot day anyway.

"OH NO!"

She shot another communist in the nose and he started nose-bleeding all over his nose and died without dignity or anything. And since he was a communist his funeral would suck balls too.

Penny cut a communist's membrane in half, making his long and useless arms twitch and shake like a machine that could be used on a milkshake bar. Then she rammed her chainsaws into the communist's stomach, giving him electric orgasms as his plump little legs tap-danced like only Satan could on a good day.

But time was running out quickly and Penny hadn't much time left, so she jumped off the communist ship before it exploded again. She hijacked a yaught that was nearby and drove back to the White House to tell Obama the good news. Then suddenly the yaught was out of gas, so Penny had to swim the last couple of feet.

When she she was in the White House, Obama was having a lovely candle light shower with champaigne and Mozart. Penny sprinted into his bathroom to tell her President the very good news. "This is wonderful news!" Obama said, expressing his excitement about the good news. Penny smoked a cigarette and said "But wait, there is more."

Penny removed Obama's rubbery mask and revealed him to be none other than ROBOBAMA 5000!

"Your evil plan is up, Robobama!" said Penny. "It's up in the air, bitch!"

"Don't call me bitch, you bitch!" Robobama said and flew through the roof, making the entire White house collapse, and then it exploded in millions of tiny pieces that scattered all the over wolrd. Penny went after him. They both went to the moon. It was time.

The moon. A silver-laced wobbly sphere of rocky, grey dessolence floating in vain about the earthly blue hemisphere like saturated dreams of floaty balloon matter. Truly a masterpiece of God's officious blatance among the pejorative whimsy and mankind's most malign affairs with gorgious density made flesh. And a perfect place for this story's final battle between good and evil, for the fate of humanity.

"Alas, 'tis be benign a time to fighteth mine enemy, in blood and mind, shalt it be doneth in fair a firk, for I may with the Lord's mercy firk ye till firketh be thine bane, till King and Kingdom cometh as were doneth in aulden times, thus angels do align thusly, upon in battle or naught." Robobama 5000 said. Penny had had enough of his shit and spanked out his clanky robot teeth with the crankiest of bangs, making them shatter like coins on a bus full of old people.

Now Robobama 5000 was really fucking pissed. He launched a rocket full of laser in Penny's general direction, and it blew off both her legs, but Penny was strong so she could still walk. She grabbed an AK-47, except it wasn't an AK-47. It was an AK-47000 that shot heat-seeking atomic a-bomb rockets instead of bullets, shooting at 460 rounds per second. She shot a whole magazine at Robobama 5000, but it did mostly nothing, because Robobama 5000 was a robot, after all. Penny knew she would need a new and more efficient tactic. She flew down Robobama 5000's metal throat, penetrating his intraspective sonic system from above. Here she could fight his inner demon, Robobama 4999, who looked just like Robobama 5000 except with devil horns and burning eyes and he was a mighty bit smaller. Far away from home, Penny could hear her mother calling. It was dinner.

Back home, at the dinner table, all the family was there. Penny's father John Penny, her mother Amanda Penny, and her brother Billy Penny. For dinner, there was roasted turky liver with a salty Bretogne sause and deep-fried fava beans marinated in Irish ale and spiced with the finest spices one could buy at the Cambodian meat market downtown. Everybody drank a dark, aged Merlot with a distinct scent of days of yonder. Everybody except Billy Penny, of course, because he was a raging alcoholic and nobody liked him anyways.

After dinner, the family sang a merry song about the little things in life that made them happy. Everybody except Billy Penny, of course, because he couldn't sing for shit and nobody liked him anyways. The infernal singing went on for several hours, before being interrupted by Robobama 5000, slamming the door open, then slamming it shut. He pointed at Penny. "YOU!" The hideous robot man said to Penny. "I will fucking molest your sorry ass!" he said in a very strict tone. Penny knew he wasn't happy. She kicked his head off so hard that half his head flew off and emitted a toxic gas so toxic that it totally killed Billy Penny because he was an alcoholic, but nobody liked him anyways.

Then it was time for dessert. Amanda Penny, Penny's mom, had baked a big and fluffy vanilla tart with strawberry stuffings and plump cherries on top, all coated in melted brown sugar and shredded lemon flesh to give it an acidious touch that only Amanda Penny could muster. What joy. The whole family gathered around its sweet and summerly odor, in great antisipation of the fantastic flavors that would make ungodly love to their puny taste buds, praying their tounge could handle taste of this kind of magnitude. The lights were dimmed and the feast could start.

Robobama 5000 exploded in a fist of anger and rage. And so did all of his evil clones from around the world as well. Penny knew it was too late, and killed herself with a giant fork that her dad had long forgotten. Indeed. It was nearing full moon, and Penny had forgotten to consume her anit-werewolf pills, so now she became a huge, fat, hairy wolf man, and had to shave her arm pits all over again. The sun and the moon did align in a way only the smartest among us could predict, with a bit of luck. The whole cosmic arbirorius commenced beyond sansity and emerged at the peek of eclectic viscinity from above the snarl that snarling Bavarians call home. We call it "science".

Robobama 5000 looked at Penny and said "Penny, will you, my darling, take my hand and marry me?" Penny smiled and looked at Robobama 5000. "Of course I will, Robobama 5000!" She muttered gleefully.

At the wedding, everybody was there, even the dead characters. Music started playing, and Penny kissed Robobama 5000 on his tender robot lips. He kissed her back. Robobama 5000 and Penny went carefully down the long and tedious isle, and Penny threw her lump of amateurishly arranged flowers towards the audience. None other grabbed it but Bruce Willis, her boss from work. "Thanks, Penny." He said. Penny and Robobama 5000 kissed once again, and entered their limousine that they hired from one of those really shabby limousine rentals downtown, where the guy who owned the place hadn't showered in fucking weeks, and he had french fries in his beard, and his breath smelled of that icky brown mush they get served at the old people's home. He was really tall and looked like shit, and he might have a fever, because he was really hot and sweaty, but that might be from all the vodka he'd been drinking since breakfast, he was definetly a hardcore alcoholic, and he had a big nose too, and it was really runny and red, and he was probably a communist and a wimp.

THE END...?


End file.
